Mikey's Life

Chapter XXII: Déjà vu

2011-03-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

The family decided to seek a second opinion, but didn’t know who to call. Mike watched his older siblings take turns explaining why they couldn’t do it, so finally he stepped up—as usual. He got a recommendation for another specialist and left a message for him.

When the doctor called back, he had questions for Mike. Unfortunately, at the same time Mike’s dad was trying to tell him what to say—things that had nothing to do with what the doctor was asking. His dad kept saying, “Tell him she had a second rupture in the same spot” and getting more annoyed each time he said it. Mike was listening to the doctor’s questions and giving him the information HE wanted. When the call ended, Mike heard his dad curse and yell, “Stupid people can’t do anything right!”

Mike respected his father, but that was completely uncalled for. So he asked his dad, “Did you want the doctor to make a diagnosis over the phone or come here tomorrow, read the charts and exam mom? If you don’t want him to come here you should call him back.” Mike’s father didn’t reply. But later, when he was going home for the night, he mumbled something about people saying things they don’t mean. Mike was never sure if his father was talking about what he said or what Mike said. It didn’t matter. Mike was spending the night.

In the morning, the second opinion was the same as the first—no hope. The hospital recommended turning off the life support equipment and asked the family for permission. Mike’s dad asked the kids to vote. By coincidence, they were sitting in order by age and started with the oldest. One by one, Mike’s older siblings all voted to turn off the life support. How could they give up? But then it was his turn. It was Monday morning and he hadn’t slept since Thursday night. He had trouble organizing his thoughts. He could see his dad was a wreck and couldn’t make a decision. Should he make it easier for his dad by agreeing with his siblings and making it unanimous or go his own way, as usual? Whose feelings should he put first?

Mike voted to turn off the life support. But he still had hope. If his mom was going to survive, she would be fine without the life-support. Did he believe that? He didn’t know what he believed at that point. Then a nurse showed up to take them to a private room to say goodbye, the plug had been pulled. As they walked down the hall, Kathy showed up. Did someone call her? Mike should have, but he didn’t think of it.

Finally they arrived at the room. His mom would be fine or she would be gone. When Mike passed through the door it was clear, his mom was gone. It felt like he had passed through more than just a door. It felt like a portal to the past, to the day when he was 6 and his mother told him she was going to die. Suddenly he was Mikey again. But this time he wasn’t numb. This time he knew what to do. This time he cried his eyes out. The walls Mikey had built with such care were completely gone now. The demolition process that was started by a little Asian girl in southwest Virginia 10 years earlier was completed that day—oddly, after a second trip to that area. The first visit he'd gotten the stuffing beaten out of him and during the second visit his mom died.

Mike was reasonably sure he would never venture there again.

Chapter XXI

2011-03-21T16:04:00.001-07:00

It was 7:30pm when Mike received the summons to come home—and “home” was nine hours away. Mike packed the car while his wife and daughter finished dinner and then they headed out. The aunt wanted them to stay the night, but they had to go.

Almost three hours later they had made good progress on their trip. Without warning, Mike “saw” something. Suddenly he seemed to be behind the backseat of their car—and the backseat was empty (in reality, his daughter was there in her car seat with much of their luggage around her). A figure started to rise up out of the seat. It was wearing a hooded robe and had boney fingers. Mike could see the figure was moving behind him—the real him, still in the driver’s seat. The figure brought its hands up and rested them on Mike’s shoulders. Mike seemed to feel that and it sent a shiver through him. Then the vision was gone. According to the clock, it was 10:20pm.

The rest of the drive was uneventful, but parts of it were unpleasant. Mike’s daughter screamed/cried the last two hours. She usually enjoyed riding in the car at night (it put her to sleep), but something was upsetting her that night. The family arrived home a little after 3:00am and almost immediately the phone rang. It was Cal. He let Mike know their mom had an aneurysm, but was stable. He told Mike to get some sleep.

Just as Mike was drifting off, the phone rang again. It was Marion. She was hysterical. She wanted to know if Mike had a key to their parent’s house. She and Marge went there to pick up their father, but he wasn’t answering the door. Marion was afraid something had happened to him. It reminded Mike of the night Marion tormented herself so long ago, worrying they were orphans because their dad got home late.

Mike grabbed his keys and drove over. Their dad was fine. He’d taken one sleeping pill to help get some rest. But things had changed for the worse at the hospital and the family needed to go back. Cal didn’t share that when he called because he thought Mike sounded too tired.

During the drive to the hospital Marge filled Mike in on the details of what happened. First telling him their mom had stopped breathing on her own sometime between 10pm and 11pm, the hospital wasn’t sure when. Marge went on to share that their mom had a headache all day Friday, but went to bingo with her friends. When she got home, she had some tea, went to bed, and then appeared to have some sort of convulsion. By the time the ambulance arrived she was unconscious. Amazingly, Saturday morning she woke up. The doctors said she’d had an aneurysm, but seemed to be okay.

However, she had a few holes in her memory. She thought her father was alive—he had passed away when Mike was little. She also only remembered four children. She had forgotten Mike. That was ironic. How many times had he been told he wasn’t supposed to be there? But that was yesterday morning. In the afternoon she had a second rupture in the same spot and had not regained consciousness yet.

Two things competed for attention in Mike’s thoughts. First, that he had refused to talk to his mom the day she had the headache. He said he’d talk to her when he got home. From now on he would talk to her when he had the chance. The other thing that occurred to him was that his mom had probably stopped breathing on her own at 10:20pm, when he had that vision. Maybe she reached out to him to let him know she did remember him, even if she had been confused for a while.

Mike had no doubt everything was going to be okay. He’d been to that same hospital many times, with doctors expecting his mother-in-law to pass away. She came through every time and his mother would too. It was just a matter of time. At the hospital, a nurse from Intensive Care requested permission to run tests to measure brain activity. The family agreed the hospital should run every test they needed to.

Kathy showed up around noon with lunch for everyone. Mike went home with her so he could take a much needed shower. He went right back to the hospital and arrived just in time to hear the test results. The hospital’s neurosurgeon told them there was no brain activity and almost no chance for a recovery. The rest of the family was devastated, but not Mike. He had faith she was going to be fine. Then Mike heard his father admonish the other siblings for being upset, “What are you all upset about? She’s just your mother. She’s my wife!” Interesting, the man didn’t think people should be upset at losing their mom. Did he feel that way when his mom passed? What a dumb thing to say. But it was a stressful time and you try to give people more understanding under those circumstances.

Chapter XX: Back to VA.

2011-03-07T07:40:00.000-08:00

(Note: This is going on too long. I'll wrap up the "mom" story line in the next 3 posts--including this one.)

Mike returned to the southwest Virginia area almost ten years after that fateful trip with his sister and brother-in-law. One of his employer’s publishing operations used a fulfillment center in Kingsport, TN and someone had to oversee an inventory of the books there. Mike volunteered. His wife (Kathy) had family in that area. This would give them a chance to visit—and show off their amazing 16 month-old daughter. The little angel could talk in complete sentences (so much like her daddy), but hadn’t started walking yet. Mike knew that trait was from the other side of the family.

He wondered if the trip south would stir up old memories. It didn’t seem to, but that may have been because he was staying on the Interstate highway. They didn’t have time to take the back roads that his brother-in-law had followed.

They arrived at Kathy’s cousin’s house with no problem—his wife and daughter were going to stay there until Mike’s project was completed on Friday. Mike was staying at the same hotel with staff from the publishing operation. The hotel must have been in a bad part of town because the cousin’s husband offered to loan Mike a handgun during his stay. Mike considered the offer, but politely declined.

The work went well and by noon on Friday the inventory was done. Mike and Kathy started cooking dinner that afternoon as a thank you to her cousin for letting them stay. Kathy worked with Mike’s mom and decided to call her to see how things were going at the office. From what Mike could hear, his mother was complaining about her health. Again! It had been years since she really had any health problems, but she never stopped complaining—and trying to top whatever anyone else was going through. The first time their daughter got really sick, Kathy called her for advice. After hearing the symptoms, her first response was, "That's nothing—I almost died last night." Mike had gotten used to just letting his mom vent, but had run out of any real compassion. He was suffering from sympathy burnout. He had a good relationship with his mother, but not a normal mother-son relationship. It was more like a friendship.

Kathy stirred him from his thoughts by offering him the phone, “Do you want to talk to your mom? She has a headache today.” Mike said no, he didn’t want to hear the complaining. He said he would talk to her after the trip.

That evening more of Kathy’s relatives came over and they had a nice time sharing stories. Mike’s daughter entertained everyone with her amazing ability to talk and her willingness to share her Cheerios with everyone—except one person, the cousin who was a minister. Mike made a mental note to keep track of him if they ever got together again. He thought his daughter had good instincts. Months earlier, Cal and a sleazy brother-in-law tried to get the girl to smile at them. The harder they tried, the more she scowled at them. Mike was so proud!

He didn’t get much sleep Friday night. His “little angel” spent that night doing flip-flops next to him, alternating between using him for a headrest and a foot stool. The next day the little family headed for Big Stone Gap and the home of his wife’s grandfather. The man lived in a “holler”. You couldn’t see his driveway, because there was such a steep drop-off from the road. Mike stopped at the entrance. He looked down and saw nothing. With a promise from Kathy that he wasn’t driving them off a cliff, Mike took the plunge and headed into the holler. After a short and scary drop, the car was on the driveway and they made their way to the grandfather’s house.

After the initial introductions, one of Kathy’s cousins mentioned they had a message that Mike’s mom was in the hospital. That had to be a mistake. Kathy’s mom had been ill for years—and had far outlived her doctor’s expectations. The message must have been garbled. They tried to reach someone in Mike’s family, but no one answered. That wasn’t unusual for a busy Saturday afternoon.

They visited for a while and then made their way to an aunt’s house. While Kathy and the aunt fixed dinner, Mike called home again. He finally got through to a brother-in-law—who was obviously unsure of what to say. The BIL said he needed to call his wife at the hospital for an update. When he called back, he said only three words “Come home, now!”

Chapter XIV: A Crack in the Wall

2011-01-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Fortunately, Don’s encounter with the point of the table left him with just a very badly bruised muscle in his back, no serious damage. But their father was still furious about the injury. To get Mike out of the house, his brother-in-law invited him to join the new couple on their trip to southwestern Virginia. His father agreed, since Mike’s chores were up-to-date.

The brother-in-law was a great guy, but had a terrible sense of direction—which wasn’t really such a bad thing. They weren't in a hurry and wanted to see the countryside. Their first stop was Luray Caverns. Mike enjoyed that. That night they stayed in an ancient motel in WV and headed south early the next day. In the late-morning the three stopped in a little town for lunch—if it had a name, they didn’t know it. It was a tiny town. There was a diner, a gas station, a grocery store and a hardware store. That appeared to be it. After lunch the newly married couple headed to the grocery store to pick up a few drinks for the car. Mike wanted a few moments alone--and they probably did too, so he decided to explore the town.

The street was very quiet. There was a small girl (Mike guessed she was six) playing hopscotch in front of the hardware store. Seeing her made him smile because she was so happy and seemed to have a light in her eyes. Had he seen that in anyone before? He went into the store, but it was hot in there and he didn't have money, so he left almost immediately. When Mike came out he saw the girl being pulled around the corner of the building. It didn’t look right, so he followed and saw a man had her by the arm and was dragging her to the back of the building. It turned out there were two men. The girl was crying and trying to pull away from them—these were not men she knew. Mike had to do something.

Mike told the men he had promised his little sister an ice cream cone and needed to take her to the diner. They laughed about him claiming she was his sister. The older man said, “This VC #$%@ ain’t your sister!” and told him to leave. Why did he say she was his sister? That was crazy. Mike felt sick. Why wasn’t he angry? Where was the usual surge of anger that helped him handle confrontations? Without it, he worried he might cry or throw up. Did it show? Is this how Cal felt when he faced a confrontation. Is that why he always slinked away? For Mike that wasn’t an option. He couldn’t let them put the girl in their car.

Mike repeated that he needed to take his sister with him, but his voice sounded weak to his ears, shaky. The younger of the two men (but still "old" to Mike) tried to push him away. Mike was too quick for him. He had been active in sports, including boxing and wrestling--and fighting with his brothers. He did well, but didn’t fully engage. He blocked and danced, trying to stay near the girl. But he didn't fight back. Why not? The older man was distracted by the fight and the girl slipped away. Or did he let her go? Mike didn't know. She disappeared through a tall hedge next to the gravel parking lot. Maybe her home was in that direction. That freed the 2nd man to join the fight and Mike wasn't able to evade both of them. They beat him for getting in their way.

Afterwards, Mike found himself lying in the dirt. The men and their car were gone. Had he passed out? He didn’t know how long he’d been there. It took him a few minutes before he was able to get up and walk back to the street and his BIL’s car. His sister and her husband had been looking for him for some time, but they hadn’t seen the girl or the men. Things were a little hazy for Mike…he didn't even know if what he said to them made sense. They should have taken him to a doctor. But Mike said he was fine and they were fairly young themselves—and worried about the grief they were going to get for "letting" another son get hurt. Instead of continuing to the friend’s house, they drove straight home. They got there in the middle of the night.

Mike’s mother took him to the doctor the next morning. He had two cracked ribs, his left eye was swollen almost shut, and he hurt everywhere. But he was young and healed quickly. In what was a typical show of support from his father, he was yelled at for being too stupid to go for help. Mike didn’t care. He knew he had been where he was supposed to be and did what he was supposed to do. Almost. Why didn’t he fight back?

He spent the rest of the summer thinking about that and everything that had happened. At the time, he had been upset about hurting Don. Was he afraid to hurt someone else? Is that what robbed him of the adrenaline he'd needed that day? That almost turned him into Cal? He had experienced what he thought was fear before, but never like that. That sick feeling would have overwhelmed him if the little girl's desperation hadn't made him FEEL he had to help her. Feel, that was different. In the past, he'd helped people because he believed he was supposed to--his actions were controlled by his mind, not his heart.

It was important to Mike that he be independent. He didn't need connections to people. Did he? But somehow, he felt connected to that little girl. When she smiled at him he could see she was so happy and innocent and full of life. She saw wonder in the world around her. When was the last time he'd felt that? Or noticed it in someone? When was the last time he felt connected to someone or missed someone? It had been a long, long time. People were with him or they were not, but it didn't matter which. One was as good as the other. Wasn't it?

Mike wouldn't be dependent. But maybe he should be more open, talk to more people. Maybe if he looked, he'd find there were other people out there with that spirit he saw in the girl's eyes. The upcoming school year would be his last at the school across town and Mike came to a decision. He would be more social and see what happened. Even if it was a mistake, it would be forgotten when he changed schools.

It would turn out that while Mike had helped the girl, she had helped him too.

Note: What happened next was shared in Chapter XVII.

Chapter XVIII: Breaking Point

2010-12-27T13:17:00.000-08:00

The summer before Mike’s social experiment (in the previous post) was an eventful one. His oldest sister (Marge) got married in June. He helped clean and organize the reception hall and read two scripture passages as part of the wedding ceremony. A month later, Mike joined the newlyweds on a trip to Bristol, TN. They didn’t plan on taking him, but when the day came he needed to be out of the house.

The day before his sister and her husband planned to leave, Mike spent the day doing chores--as usual. Just as he finished, Don came home from playing at the local park--as usual. Mike told Don there was one chore left for him—to weed and hoe around the vegetable plants in the garden. As expected, Don refused. Mike wasn’t concerned. He’d done almost all the work himself and wasn’t going to cover for Don anymore. When their dad asked later why the garden wasn’t finished, Mike would explain.

Somehow, responsibilities had passed from the oldest son (Cal) directly to Mike. Don's only responsibilities seemed to involve goofing off and starting fights, usually just out of the blue, with Mike. Cal couldn't handle confrontation and always backed away from Don, giving in. Mike didn't start fights, but he wasn't going to back away.

Mike told Don he wasn't going to cover for him. At which point Don took a swing at him. Mike ducked the punch and the two started scuffling. Thanks to dealing with Don, Mike had learned to put aside his usual soft-spoken ways and get angry when he needed to fight. But unlike Don, Mike kept his wits about him. He didn’t go into blind rages—until that day. Mike was sick of having his older brother at his throat and he snapped. It happened in a split second. Since he had ducked below Don’s punch, he was low, like he was tackling Don. But he didn’t tackle him. He picked him up, ran the few short steps out their back door, and drove Don’s back into the corner of a solid, built-in table on their back porch. In that split second he hurt his brother.

Don couldn’t get up.

Chapter XVII: Alternate Universe

2010-11-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

When Mike entered his second year of junior high, he received a gift from the school system. The boundaries changed and he was moved to a different school, where no one knew his siblings. He had a clean slate for the first time. His grades improved—straight A’s, except he had trouble with the new French book and the new French teacher’s accent. Plus she was a little mean.

The following year Mike decided to conduct an experiment. He had always been reserved. He liked to observe his surroundings and was pretty quiet. But he knew he would be changing schools again the following year and would never see most of those people again, so he decided to be more outgoing and talk to more people. He also tried out for the school soccer team. The coach was late the 2nd day, so Mike organized the other boys and led them through the warm-up exercises. The coach saw that and made Mike team captain. Girls Mike talked to during school started coming to watch him practice. When he missed a month of school due to a serious illness, people started talking about him—they thought he died. When he returned in January he was captain of the wrestling team and suddenly everyone knew who he was.

During a band break at a school dance, all the kids sat on the floor—except Mike. He was kneeling and a little higher up than the crowd. As one of the chaperones walked by, she asked Mike if he was someone special. Mike asked why. She said every person in the room was sitting facing him. He looked around and saw she was right. He wasn’t in the middle of the room, but he was the center of it. That was something new. Mike soon made the baseball team and ended up playing left field—the position closest to the bleachers. He had a fan section. It was so weird.

You know what? It started to annoy the heck out of him. He thought about it and realized those people didn’t even know him. How could they like him??? His mom got annoyed too, by girls calling their house. Eventually, other guys got jealous. The point guard of the basketball team twice tried (and failed) to have him beaten up by 4 or 5 guys. Mike started hearing stories about other boys saying they wanted to beat him up (because their girlfriends’ had crushes on him). Mike gave them all chances, but no one wanted to back up their talk. Girls he didn’t pay attention to (and didn’t even know) started gossiping about what a jerk he was.

Finally, the last day of the school year arrived. It was such a relief. He heard there were two boys in the gym locker room planning to jump him before the end of the day. So he went to give them their chance. Mike turned his back on them as he washed his hands at the sink, bent over to splash water on his face, and then finally turned to them. He asked if they had anything they wanted to say. They wished him a great summer!

After that Mike got on the bus to go home. A group of girls gathered outside the bus and started shouting goodbye to him. As the bus drove off, the girls started running along-side, crying and waving. It was not the fun it may sound like. As the bus made its way back to his side of town Mike thought, “Thank God that’s over. Those people are #$%^#$^& crazy!”

That experience made him realize being popular is less than meaningless; it’s actually a bad thing because you can never be sure who your friends are. People want to associate with you even if they hate you….and sometimes they hate you for no reason. It sucks. Mike knew he was better off with a circle of true friends. That was a great lesson to learn before joining the workforce—where so many people try to use you to their advantage. It was also a good experience in other ways. Having been the center of attention, Mike found it hard to be impressed by the "in" crowd. He knew they were no more worthy of interest than he had been.

Chapter XVI: Old Yeller

2010-11-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

As Mike was about to enter his teen years, his mom began to recover from her depression. She needed less help, which was good because Mike had inherited almost all of the outside chores from his older siblings and also helped his grandmother in her store. Cal & Don both still lived at home—Don was in high school. But they never seemed to be around when there was work to do. Cal had a job and was going to college, so he apparently got a pass on chores. Don was allowed to spend all of his free time at the local park. Either their parents hoped he’d have a career in sports or they felt it best to keep him away from Mike. Maybe it was just easier for them.

Cal was a very gentle soul who found it difficult to stand up for himself or others. Don was a hothead and a bully. Neither one reacted well in a crisis. Their dad tried to motivate Cal to stand up to Don (to toughen up Cal and teach Don a lesson). It didn’t work and he didn’t hide his disappointment. So Mike became the one to backup his father when there was a project or problem to tackle.

That resulted in Mike hearing a lot of lectures—including during the drives to and from church. Their dad went on about being honorable, keeping your word, building a good reputation, the importance of family, being responsible. The “responsible” part covered everything—responsibilities to your church, your family, the community, and finally to yourself. Others came first—don’t be a sucker, but help people when they need it. It was a little confusing to Mike since his dad didn’t always practice what he preached. But the lessons sunk in. Mike was very responsible.

One Saturday afternoon Mike’s grey cat came home hurt. It appeared he had been in a fight with a dog, but it could have been any large animal. The fur over his eye and around his mouth was torn and bleeding, fur was missing from the bottom half of his tail and, worst of all, his left hip was broken. Mike’s dad didn’t believe in taking pets to a vet. Whenever an animal got injured, he put it out of its misery. Mike’s job was to dig the grave in the woods—this had happened before. Mike had argued in the past to take the animals to a doctor, but his father refused. Mike had no money for a vet and no options.

Mike dug the hole, carried his pet into the woods, and waited for his dad to come with the rifle so he could leave. He never watched. But this time it was going to be different. His dad loaded the .22 rifle and handed it to Mike. Mike didn’t want to shoot his cat!!! His father explained that doing what needs to be done was hard sometimes, but it still needed to be done—you can’t wait around hoping someone else will take care of it. He gave Mike a choice: let his pet die a slow, painful death or put him out of his misery. Mike was 12 and had read “Old Yeller” in the 2nd grade, he understood. He just didn’t want to do it! His father showed him where to aim to make it painless and then he left.

The cat had saved his mom from a snake once, he was a hero. Mike couldn’t let him suffer. He talked with his pet for a minute and rubbed his back, hopefully where it wouldn’t hurt him. Then he stood up, aimed, and pulled the trigger. It was more terrible than he had imagined it would be. The cat didn’t die quietly. His body thrashed about, like it was being electrocuted. It was horrible. But he didn’t cry—he’d been lectured about that too. Mike buried his cat and gave the gun back to his father. He told his dad about the trashing—he was afraid he’d botched it and caused the cat even more pain. But his dad assured him it was “normal”. Normal!!!

Mike didn’t get as attached to his pets after that. He loved them, but it was different...like loving them from a distance.

Chapter XV: Baseball

2010-11-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

As an adult, Mike took his kids back to his old elementary school for the spring carnival. It was fun showing them the school and telling them stories about teachers and friends. The “pick a fish” game at the carnival was being run by one of those friends—a former neighbor from across the street. When Mike introduced them, the friend told the kids they should thank his parents for them being there—that he couldn’t count the number of times his parents kept their Uncle Don from killing Mike when he was little. Everyone laughed, but Mike was bothered by the comment—he defended himself from his crazy, older brother! How many times had anyone even witnessed their fights? Then Mike remembered one incident that did involve the neighbors and he started to reminisce.

Mike was 12 and about to join his first little league team. Before that started, he and the other boys in the neighborhood formed their own mini-teams to practice. They played in the rocky field next to the neighbor’s house across the street from Mike’s parents. The field had been the staging area when the house was built and there were lots of rocks and small pieces of cinderblock. You didn't dare slide into a base during the games!

Mike’s older brother Don, 15, was a real sports nut and often served as the umpire when his team wasn’t playing. During one of those games, the neighbor’s son hit a ground ball to Mike. It hit a rock and bounced away from him. For some reason, Don went berserk that Mike didn’t catch it (Don was the umpire???). Don ran over to Mike and started yelling about it. Then Mike made a big mistake.

Fights with Don had gotten more even as Mike grew, but no less frequent. Don had a terrible temper and you never knew what would set him off. On the field, Mike knew they were about to fight and thought, “here we go again". During the time it took for that thought to cross his mind, Mike sighed and rolled his eyes—for just a second. When he looked back, Don had already reared back and was throwing the ball at Mike’s face as hard as he could. Since they were only 5 feet apart, Mike didn't have time to react. The ball hit him in the middle of his forehead and he dropped over backwards like a dead tree falling. Mike wasn’t sure what happened next. Did he lose consciousness? Apparently the neighbors (parents) chased Don off the field and helped Mike to his feet. Don wasn't allowed to return—ever.

Mike had forgotten about that day. He wouldn’t have thought of it if they hadn’t run into the old neighbor. But over the years he had remembered the lesson he learned in the field that day—don’t take your eyes off someone who's angry or crazy. You never know what they might do! But he only had to watch Don for another three years. That's when Mike turned 15 and permanently put a stop to his brother's attacks.

Chapter XIV: Ho, Ho, Ho

2010-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Life was good at school. In the 6th grade his fellow patrols elected Mike to be one of four officers and he had a great teacher. When it came time for the school Christmas program, the teacher selected a skit that involved a sick Santa and deliveries made by Mrs. Claus. In keeping with his quiet nature, Mike volunteered to be a stage hand. During rehearsals, the fellow chosen to play Santa was awful. His delivery was monotone and wooden. The teacher kept explaining what he wanted, but never showed the boy. Mike decided to help the kid by showing him what the teacher wanted. Mike did the line perfectly and the teacher gave him the role of Santa—the male lead opposite Sherri, the class beauty. The rich class beauty!

The night of the performance, Mike was nervous, but remembered his lines and did a nice job—not great, but a good first performance. His mother and one of his sisters were in the audience that night to applaud for him. Afterwards Sherri gave him a big hug and told him she was really glad he got the part. Mike was stunned. He didn’t think she knew he was alive (figuratively speaking). It never occurred to him that she might have a crush on him—but she did. Mike was very pleased about the hug and the kind words from her and others, but he continued to keep a low profile and operated in the background.

What Mike didn’t know was that he had never been in the background. He was reserved, but people noticed he stepped up when needed and that he was someone they could count on. He was an old-fashioned “solid citizen” and had friends he didn’t even know about. Yet.

Chapter XIII: Trust No One!

2010-09-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

As part of Mike’s education, he watched his father do repairs around the house. Soon he was able to do some things himself. But he still had a lot to learn. The summer he turned 10, he helped his father work on the small riding lawnmower that had belonged to his grandfather. If they could get it working, that would make cutting their large yard much easier.

Mike wasn’t sure what his dad was doing. He had taken the spark plug out and had Mike pull the rope—but it couldn’t start without the sparkplug??? After several pulls, Mike’s father asked him to come around to the front to hold the spark plug wire—he told him to hold the wire in his left hand. Mike did as he was told. His dad went to the back of the lawnmower and pulled the rope. Immediately, Mike’s left side exploded in pain and he jumped (or was thrown) back from the mower. He writhed in pain on the ground. He felt like he had been shot in his elbow and shoulder but his entire left side was hurting.

As he rolled in the grass, he heard his father laughing. He looked up at him, trying not to cry. His father said, “Now I know the spark plug is getting power and you know not to grab a spark plug wire. That could kill you.” Through gritted teeth Mike responded, “But you told me to!” His father shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t do something just because someone tells you to.”

Mike learned the lesson—be suspicious, always keep your guard up, try to think through the consequences of what you're asked to do....regardless of who asks.

Chapter XII

2010-08-31T08:49:00.001-07:00

School was turning out to be a nice place for Mike. The work wasn’t too hard, he got to spend time with his friends, and some of it was actually interesting. Also, Mike had good teachers. His second grade teacher was stern, but taught her students a lot—including manners and respect for other people. When she whacked her ruler on the table to tell a boy to get his elbows off the lunch table, she’d also say, “Don’t go home tell your parents they can’t put their elbows on the table. They work hard to take care of you kids and you should appreciate it. They can do what they want in their own homes.”

The third grade teacher was a sweetheart, but in the fourth grade Mike was back to having a task master. She really worked the kids hard, but it was the best thing for them. The final two years of elementary school were easy by comparison. Mike was elected class president for the second quarter, but he wasn’t sure why. He had friends, but generally was very reserved in class.

He was a serious kid, but let his personality show through at times. One example came when the task master required the students to stand up in front of the class and talk about any trip they had taken. Mike’s family didn’t travel, but thankfully he had ridden with his father to take one of his sisters to music camp the summer before. It was the first time Mike had been to Virginia. As Mike stood before the class explaining where he went and why, he noticed his hand was shaking as he used a pointer to show the route on a map. Without really thinking he said, “As you can see, the road zig-zagged a lot.” That comment and the chuckle it brought from the class settled Mike’s nerves. He was able to finish his presentation without any problems.

On the home front, things remained the same, except Mike started getting weekly lectures from his father on the way home from church. Mike rode to 8:00am mass with his grandmother so he could walk up the hill to the schoolhouse for Sunday school at 9:00am. After class he went to the old chapel to arrange the hymnals for the 10:30am mass. He often served as an usher, helping with the collection, standing next to the priest during communion, and handing out church bulletins after mass. When he was done, he’d walk back down the hill to the new church to join the high mass in progress. His father sang in the choir and Mike rode home with him after that mass. Somewhere along the line Mike’s dad started lecturing him on a wide range of topics, but all with the same theme—being a good person. He talked about the importance of being honest, doing the right thing, being dependable and keeping your word because “a man’s reputation is his most valuable possession”. He talked about helping people, standing up for what’s right, looking after weaker kids, and the importance of family.

Week after week he went on about one thing or another. At times Mike was confused. He had heard many of the same things from his grandmother. But she lived those things. Mike’s dad seemed to pick and chose which of his own lessons he lived by. He was kind and helpful to his friends and to his brothers and sisters, but he was frequently short-tempered and mean to his kids. It didn’t make sense to Mike. Wasn’t he family too?

Any time he asked his father a question or needed help, his father got angry. So Mike didn’t ask and became more and more independent. He heeded the lessons—he wanted to be a good person. He was always willing to help others, but never asked for help and wouldn’t accept it when offered. He didn’t need help. Or so he thought.

Chapter XI

2010-08-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

The next few years blended together. Mike went to school, helped his grandmother in the store, helped take care of his mother, and did chores galore for his father. Whenever he had a chance to spend some quiet time alone, he enjoyed it. He had a few favorite spots. There was the fallen oak tree where he could sit and watch lizards sun themselves; the little bush next to the train tracks (and under the power lines)—thanks to a covering of vines it was like an igloo inside; and several nice spots in the woods close to home.

In search of solitude, Mike often walked on the train tracks. One day Mike walked well past the power lines, farther than he had ever gone before. He was exploring. He walked past a huge cow pasture and could see an ancient bridge in the distance. He wanted to climb up on it. Then he heard the train whistle off in the distance. The train was coming! He wasn’t supposed to be on the tracks and didn’t want to get caught. He'd been told the engineer stopped to arrest people he saw on the tracks. Mike headed for home at a slow jog.

Is was cool and damp outside, so Mike was wearing a jacket that day. He started to get overheated as he jogged down the tracks, so he unzipped his jacket. The cool air felt good. He heard the train whistle again and looked back. It had already come around the curve in the tracks—the engineer could see him. He needed to run. Mike took off as fast as his 8 year-old legs could carry him. His heart was pounding and he was now gasping for breath—the effect of fear combined with exertion. The train was getting closer. He didn’t want to jump off the tracks because the ditches on both sided were filled with cold, stagnant water. He kept running…and the train kept getting closer. Mike was still far from home.

Finally, the train was upon him. He had no choice, he leaped as hard as he could, hoping to make it over the water and into the woods. He didn’t make it. He escaped the train, but landed in the water. He quickly disappeared into the woods, so the engineer wouldn't get him, and made his way home.

Once there, he went into the cellar to change into clean clothes from the dryer. He laid his jacket out to dry and went upstairs. His throat hurt and so did his chest. He shouldn’t have been out on such a damp day, but didn’t want to stay inside. The next morning he woke up with a fever and a terrible cough. He had bronchitis. His mom sent him to his grandmother’s—she would take care of him. She put him to bed under a mountain of blankets. He could hardly move, but it was a nice feeling. She also made a mustard plaster to put on his chest. She said it would help draw out the infection.

She kept him hydrated, used a cool cloth (damp with water and rubbing alcohol) to ease his fever and gave him all sorts of medicine. Mike paid attention. He wanted to know what he was taking and why. She gave him Tylenol tablets and two liquids—one an antihistamine and the other a decongestant. Aside from the smelly mustard plaster, the worst part was when his grandmother put Vick’s vaporub up his nose and made him swallow a small amount. Yuck!

Now Mike knew what to do the next time he got a fever, chest cold or bronchitis. Whenever he woke up in the middle of the night with a fever, he'd put cold water and rubbing alcohol on a wash cloth to place on his forehead. For a chest cold, he'd give himself a teaspoon (or was that a tablespoon?) of decongestant and a half teaspoon of antihistamine. He wouldn’t be dependent on anyone.

And the next time he was on the tracks when the train came, he wouldn’t worry about getting home or into the woods. He would simply stand to the side until the train passed—he’d learned that he didn’t need to worry about the engineer stopping the train to grab him. As with most things in life, he just needed to get out of the way.

Chapter X

2010-08-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Mike didn’t know it yet, but his life away from his family was going to start improving steadily (and dramatically) over the next few years. But he still had trials to face. He also didn’t yet know his mother was caught in the grip of a severe depression that was triggered by her struggle to recover from the collapsed lung. It was her second bout. The first came right after he was born. He spent his first 6 months living with an aunt. When he finally joined his family, the youngest of his siblings believed he was adopted. His parents tried to correct that belief after Mikey asked a new neighbor if he looked like him--because he was looking for his dad. Up until the age of 5 Mikey spent a lot of time living with relatives. Most of that time was a blur to him. His earliest memories were from the year before he started school. The year he spent with his mom, helping her. But this time he was going to be home for most of his mother’s struggles.

His mom routinely complained about being sick, about being close to death. If Mike got sick and mentioned it to her, she would reply it was nothing compared to what she was going through, because she “almost died last night!” It became a running joke to him. He learned to take care of himself.

Mike’s mom also frequently wished she didn’t have 5 kids. When he got older he started asking her if she was talking about him. When she’d say no, he would tell her to let him know which one of the others she wanted to get rid of and he would take care of it. That made her mad, because he wasn’t being sympathetic to her suffering. By the age of 11 or 12, Mike reached a point of “sympathy burnout”. He cared about his mom, but he could not bring himself to indulge her anymore. He did offer her encouragement, telling her "it" would pass and she would be fine. But that was all he had left to give her.

In the short-term, Mike’s bad luck continued at school. Within a few weeks he was expelled from the special reading class he enjoyed so much. The teacher grew suspicious about his reading ability and loaned him “Old Yeller”, asking him to read it as quickly as possible so she could loan it to another student. He finished it over the weekend. That convinced the teacher he didn’t belong in the remedial class. No more shelves of books, air conditioning, or special time with his friends. But that was a good thing. Mike didn’t need to hide in there any longer. He was starting the journey towards becoming himself. That included standing by classmates who were being bullied. He knew what it felt like to face bullies alone, he couldn't stand by and let others go through it.

Chapter IX: Becoming Mike

2010-08-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

Mikey didn’t believe what he was hearing. Marge told him their mother used to be like other moms—healthy and happy. When she got pregnant with Mikey, it made her sick. The doctor and their father had decided to end the pregnancy, but they were too late and Mikey was born anyway. Marge said that their mother came home weak, sickly and it was Mikey’s fault. He had almost killed their mom. He wasn’t supposed to be there.

Mikey got mad! He was used to his brothers and sisters saying mean things to try to hurt him. They had tried to taunt him by saying he was adopted, until they realized he liked the the idea, But this was too much. He knew Marge was making it up and he was going to prove it. He went into his mother’s bedroom to ask her about it. Mikey told his mom everything Marge said to him. She nonchalantly said it was true.

True? He was stunned. His parents had tried to kill him??? He just stared at her. She did a double-take—she must have noticed the hurt in his eyes. In a sharp tone she said he was fine, she was the one who was sick and she was the one who should be upset. She was angry. Mikey didn’t understand why she was snapping at him. He walked out of the room feeling numb.

The next day he took his turn staying with her. He didn’t spend much time in his mom’s room, but he did make her lunch and give her a back rub. When she called, he helped her walk to the bathroom. They didn’t talk much that day. But Mikey did a lot of thinking. Maybe it was his fault his mom was sick after he was born {it wasn't}, but she was better last year before the snowstorm. How could her poor health now be his fault? He didn’t make her lung collapse. Why were people still blaming him?

Thinking about the snowstorm reminded Mikey of an old song he’d heard his sisters play—I am a Rock. He knew that’s what he needed to be. He couldn’t let his family see how much this hurt. They would use it against him to make every day miserable. He needed to hide his feelings; act like it was no big deal.

The next day, his mom was feeling better and was going to stay home alone. She wrote Mikey a note for school, the first of many that would read, “Please excuse Michael’s absence. He was needed at home yesterday.” When Mikey was ready to leave, his mom was sitting in the living room. She wanted Mikey to kiss her goodbye, but he couldn’t do it. He told her kisses were for little kids, he was too old—he was going to be 8 next month. He said goodbye and headed out the door. As he walked to school he decided he would be called Mike from now on. He wasn’t a little kid anymore.

Installment VIII

2010-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

As fall turned to winter, Mikey was spending more time at home. He was glad because he wanted to be home for the holidays. His mom was not yet fully recovered from her collapsed lung and spent a lot of time in bed. Some days when he got home from school she was crying and he did what he could to cheer her up. He’d tell her what happened at school, show her the colorful rocks he picked up on the way home, and rub her back—that usually made her feel better.

His parent’s wedding anniversary was near Thanksgiving, so Mikey made them a card. He wasn’t sure what to write. His mom was sick and his dad was having headaches 4 or 5 times a week. So in the card he simply wrote, “Mom, I hope you feel better soon. Dad, I hope your head does not hurt too much.” They didn’t say anything when he gave it to them, but they did put it in a drawer and keep it.

The entire family had Thanksgiving dinner at the grandmother’s—with the adults at the kitchen table and the kids scattered in the store. Mikey hopped up on the soda box to eat his dinner. His brothers shared the large, flat freezer and his sisters sat at the counter on stools. It was odd, but memorable. Soon it was Xmas and his mother and sisters made dinner at home. It was a nice day. His dad received an assortment of fruit, chocolates and hard candies from co-workers. Mikey’s favorites were the petit fours. Xmas night he cut a hole in an orange and stuck a peppermint stick in it. Both were special treats. Xmas was nice that year. Mikey loved his present from Santa. It was a plastic golden trumpet! It was broken in a few days, but he enjoyed it while it lasted.

As January was coming to a close, Mikey’s mother seemed to be getting sicker again. She was spending more time in bed, more time crying. His sisters and brother took turns staying home from school to look after her—but not Don. Maybe he was too young? They called it the “death watch”. One evening Marge told Mikey he was going to have to stay with her the next day. He said no. He had helped his mom a lot when she wasn’t feeling well before he started school, but this was different. This was a death watch and Mikey wanted no part of it. Marge insisted. She said the other kids had missed too much school and Mikey had to start taking a turn. Mikey asked why Don didn’t do it. She said he couldn’t, which didn’t really seem like an answer.

When Mikey continued to resist, Marge repeated something he had heard too many times. She said it was his fault their mom was sick. Even though he had heard that countless times, this time it surprised Mikey a little. Marge had changed recently. She wasn’t mean like she used to be, like the others. She had started talking about things he didn’t understand—survival of the fittest, lord of the flies. Whatever those things were, they seemed to make her a little sad, but nicer to Mikey. Today she wasn’t being nice. She seemed angry and Mikey didn’t understand that.

With her anger, her old habits returned. She didn’t just tell Mikey it was his fault their mom was sick, she made up a horrible story to try to explain it. As he listened, Mikey started to get mad too.

Installment VII: The Reading Test

2010-07-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

At the start of the second grade Mikey had to go to the Board of Education for special testing. His first grade teacher worried he was developmentally delayed and wanted him to get help if he needed it. His father drove him to the facility and made sure he was in the right place. Then his dad told him he would be in the car and Mikey should come out when the test was done.

The lady conducting the test was very nice and very pretty. Mikey was too young to confuse “pretty” and “nice” the way so many men do—she really was a very nice lady. She kept asking him if he wanted to take a break or get a drink, but Mikey declined. His dad always said if you have a job to do, do it. You can rest later. So Mikey stayed at it until the nice lady said she had to take a break. The tests involved her reading stories to him and then asking him questions about them. Then he read stories, some aloud and some to himself. She asked questions after each one. When they were done, Mikey thanked her and went to find his dad in the parking lot. It took weeks for the results to appear.

In the meantime, Mikey went about his business—going to school and helping his mother and grandmother, depending on where he was living. One day a special reading teacher came into his classroom and collected a group that seemed to include all of his friends, but not him. As they were getting ready to head out, Mikey asked if he should go too. His teacher was no-nonsense, but a good teacher. She gave Mikey a stern look and asked “Why?” He reminded her about the testing and she allowed him to go.

It was great! The special reading room was lined with books, all his friends were there, and it was air-conditioned!!! Heaven! They read stories, answered questions, and had fun three afternoons a week. Then one day Mikey’s parents got a letter from the Board of Education. He went into his mom’s room to give her the mail. She looked it over the letter and then handed it back to him. If he read it correctly, the test results showed that he was reading on a mid-fifth-grade level—a higher level than Don, who was three years older. It was amazing. How many times had his brothers and sisters told him he didn’t go to kindergarten because he was too stupid? How many times had his father told him he was retarded? He pretended it didn’t bother him, but it did. And at times it worried him. But now he had proof none it was true. He was kind of smart, in a way! He didn’t share the results with his teachers. He wanted to stay in the reading group with his friends—in the air-conditioning.

Installment VI

2010-07-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

The weeks continued to pass and Mikey enjoyed helping out in the store. He refilled the soda case whenever needed and his grandfather taught him how to refill the beer cases after the store closed—making sure to rotate the older stock to the top. One of his aunts took an action picture of him at work, with his little feet sticking out of a beer case. Mikey had gone almost all the way into the case to reach the six-packs on the bottom. He also made a game out of trying to add up customer’s orders in his head before his grandparent’s could get the total on their ancient adding machine. There was no cash register. A wooden cash drawer was built into the counter underneath the adding machine.

On Shrove Tuesday, Mikey’s grandmother taught him when and how to flip pancakes. Once Lent was underway, Mikey caused his grandfather grief every Friday. He refused to eat fish—he said it was fish meat and there was no way he was going to eat it on a Friday. His grandmother didn’t care, but it really annoyed his grandfather. He was determined to convince Mikey that “fish is fish and meat is meat”. It didn’t work. Mikey loved his grandfather, but he wasn’t taking any chances!

Mikey missed his mom and was distracted again in class. His teacher moved him back into an easier reading group. His being bored just made things worse. His teacher knew his family very well—all of his siblings had passed through her class. That worked against Mikey. Don had problems reading, so the teacher was convinced Mikey did too. Also, she remembered Cal’s favorite toy. It was a wooden, pre-school puzzle that was missing one of its five pieces. It was so boring!!! During indoor recess the teacher often took away whatever toy he had (once it was a very cool robot) and replaced it with the lame puzzle. She would say, “Oh no, Michael, you should play with this. It was Cal’s favorite”. OMG! Mikey wondered how in the world Cal could have enjoyed that puzzle, even if it had all 5 pieces back in his day. Was he really related to his siblings??? It didn’t matter much these days. They really weren’t part of his life now.

During that time Mikey learned his sisters were not the only dangerous girls around. One rainy morning all the students gathered in the cafeteria before class instead of waiting outside on the blacktop, in the rain, for school to start. Mikey managed to snag one of the few seats and was patiently waiting for the bell to ring. One of his classmates, Zola, wanted his seat. Had she asked, he probably would have given it to her. But she demanded it, so he said no and turned away. That was a mistake. He didn’t see her coming when she then bit him on his upper arm. Somehow she broke the skin through his shirt. He slugged her in the shoulder and she took off. He knew what to do. After school, he went to the medicine cabinet he had explored in his grandparent’s bathroom and put peroxide on the punctures—followed by Band-Aids. He didn’t think to mention this to anyone until the last day of school. Don came to his class that day to pick him up. Don went to get a drink from the water fountain in the room and, with the teacher watching, Zola hit him in the butt with a wet sponge while he was bent over. She was a real menace. Mikey had become a pretty serious kid, but he had to laugh at his brother's wet pants. Then he mentioned to the teacher that Zola had gotten him too, earlier in the year.

Eventually Mikey learned his mother had returned home, but he didn’t know when. He started going home on weekends and then was staying there full-time. On occasion he went back to stay with his grandmother—his grandfather passed away that year. She needed the help and the company.

Installment V: Lock your medicine cabinet

2010-05-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

Mikey didn’t know the details of the “relapse”. But he wasn’t sure what had happened in the first place. The weeks turned into months and Don was spending more and more time at home. Mikey didn’t miss him or his temper. If Don was frustrated or just feeling mean, he’d start a fight. Because of the size difference, Mikey always lost. The boys slept in their grandmother’s room and she bunked in with grandpa. With Don gone most of the time now, Mikey had a full-sized bed to himself. That was a big upgrade from his cot at home.

Most nights he woke up with a nose bleed. At first he thought Don was responsible, but it happened even when he wasn’t around. One night while Mikey sat in the bathroom waiting for his nose-bleed to stop, he decided to explore the medicine cabinet. It was packed with all sorts of interesting stuff. There were bottles of methiolate and mercurochrome (that looked 100 years-old), Listerine, peroxide, rubbing alcohol, various tubes of ointments and creams, and lots of prescription bottles.

Mikey knew to leave the prescriptions alone, but he decided to experiment with some (most) of the other stuff. He wondered what disease he might be able to cure if he found the right combination. He put a little water in a Dixie cup and then, like a mad scientist, started adding chemicals—a little bit of everything. He used the end of his toothbrush to mix it all up and prepared to sample his creation.

Had he found a cure for cancer? Or might the serum turn him into Mr. Hyde? As he started to take a drink, the smell of the concoction made him gag. It was disgusting! He may have found a cure for something, but there was no WAY he was drinking that mess. He washed it down the drain and went back to bed.

When Mikey got older, he remembered that night whenever he smelled something foul. He would smile at the thought of how lucky he was that his “serum” reeked—and that he gagged easily in his youth!!!

Installment IV

2010-05-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

Time continued to march forward and Mikey settled into a routine. He went to school, did homework, and hung out in the store. On rare occasions he went to play at a friend’s house—after one snowstorm he got to spend the night there. They had a snowball battle in the dark. Life was going on. His birthday came and went as just another day. It would have been nice if someone had remembered, but there was a lot going on and he didn’t expect to have a cake or a party every year.

Finally, one Sunday evening Mikey’s grandma told him his mom was at home (she was alive!!!) and he was to go visit. His uncle, a police officer, had brought her from the hospital in his squad car.

Mikey was nervous as he walked down the dead-end road towards home. This would be the first time he’d seen his mom or his house since the day of the blizzard. Could she have forgotten him? He stopped in front of the house for a moment, just looking at it. Suddenly the urge to see his mom took over. He ran to the back steps and up onto the porch. The coal shovel was still where he left it. He went in the back door and passed through their tiny kitchen into the dining room. He stopped there, dead in his tracks.

From the dining room he could see his mom. She was sitting up in a lounge chair in the living room. He stopped because he was shocked by her appearance. She was gaunt and sickly. She had never been well, but this was different. Mikey wondered if she even had the strength to get up. His dad called him over and he stood next to her. She asked a few questions, mostly about school. She asked him for a kiss, but something was wrong. She was having trouble breathing. The visit was over.

A few minutes later, Don and Mikey were taking their coats off back at the grandparent’s house. As their grandmother tried to ask them what was wrong, they heard a police car go speeding by with its siren blaring. Mikey's mom had a relapse and was headed back to the hospital.

Installment III (a short one)

2010-05-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Mikey hadn’t seen any of his siblings since Don came out of the bathroom and joined Cal in the boys’ bedroom. After eating a little cereal, he decided to spend some time reading his favorite book. He had to do something. It was a compilation of nursery rhymes and childhood poems. He hadn’t looked at it much since starting school, but prior to that he used to read it to himself every day—usually while laying on the living room floor. It was too cold for that today. Sitting on the couch would do fine.

Eventually the phone rang. Marion and Cal both came running to answer it. It was their grandmother. She wanted Mikey and Don to come stay with her and their grandfather. They ran a tiny country store and had a living area in the back. The boys didn't have much, but they slipped what they had into two bags and walked the 70 yards to her house. It took them a while to make it, because the storm had filled in much of the work done earlier by the plow.

A month very slowly went by—every day felt like a week. Don usually went home on weekends, but Mikey didn't. Mikey should have been glad he wasn’t at home. Being with his siblings was never pleasant. But part of him felt as if he had been sent away and he didn’t like that. Plus, even though it had only been a short time, he was starting to have trouble picturing his mom in his mind. She was blurry, but his dad was too. Why didn’t his dad ever visit? He drove past the grandparent's house twice a day. Mikey knew one parent had green eyes and one had blue, but couldn't remember which was which. That upset him. It was strange he picked such a small thing to foucus on. But that was probably a good thing.

The grandparents wouldn’t talk about his mother's condition. But duringa weekend trip home, Don heard she’d had a collapsed lung, not a heart attack. There were no reports on her recovery. Don also said their dad was really late getting home one Saturday night. It freaked out Marion. Marge tried to comfort her, but she sat in the dining room floor with her knees up to her chest crying, saying they were orphans. Orphans? Was mom dead??? Did Marion really say that, or was Don playing a cruel joke? Mikey had no way of knowing.

Installment II

2010-04-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

The next morning Mikey’s father left for work very early, as usual. It had started to snow before dawn and the roads were already a mess, but the man never missed work. When Mikey woke up later, he was eager to look out his window to see if it was snowing. There it was! It was so beautiful. Everything was white and the snow was falling hard. School might be closed two days!!! As that thought crossed his mind, he heard a familiar sound. He hadn't heard it for quite some time, but it was unmistakable. His mother was crying in her room…and then she let out a terrible moan. That was new. What was wrong? He went to check on her.

Marge and Cal were already in the room, comforting her. Cal said she was having a heart attack. Marion was trying to call their grandmother, who lived nearby, but they had a party line and someone else was using it. They refused to hang up because they didn't believe there was an emergency. Finally Cal went next door and had the neighbors call an ambulance and the grandmother. It wasn’t easy getting there and back because snow was piling up. They were in the middle of a real blizzard and suddenly the snow wasn’t so beautiful.

Time seemed to stand still as they waited for the ambulance. The more Mikey’s mom moaned the more tense everyone became. The older kids tried to help her stay calm while trying to stay calm themselves. Mikey didn’t know what to do. He ran upstairs to his sisters' bedroom to look out the window for the ambulance. Nothing! When he went back downstairs his mother asked him to rub her back. He started to, but she winced and cried out in pain. That startled Mikey and he started to feel a sense of desperation. It felt like they were trapped. Someone had to DO something!

Fortunately, someone was doing something. Mikey’s family lived on the opposite side of a big hill from the main road. The ambulance had made it as far as the intersection, but couldn't get up the hill. The snow was too deep. Their grandmother called a friend with a plow and the older brothers started to shovel the front sidewalk.

But Mikey knew that was wrong—they never went in or out through the front door, only the back. It was the back sidewalk that needed to be shoveled. So he put on his boots and started to clear it himself. The only shovel they had left was an old metal coal shovel that weighed a ton—it was heavy to Mikey even when he was 18. He managed to clear the steps and a tiny area in front of them, but that was about it. The shovel was too heavy, the snow was falling too fast and the sidewalk was too long. Mikey collapsed on the steps in tears. He had failed. He had failed his mother. It was going to be his fault she didn’t get to the hospital. He was so young, but it felt like he had always been there for her, helping her. He didn’t go to kindergarten because his mom needed him—his siblings said it was because he was too stupid to go to school. They also frequently said it was his fault their mom had been sick. He knew that wasn’t true. But this was his fault, he couldn’t clear the snow. He failed. The word kept repeating in his mind—failed!!!

Defeated, Mikey went back inside and received a shock. The ambulance crew was in the house! They DID get in through the front door—no one ever used that entrance. Ever. That was so strange...and such a relief. (Mikey later realized he hadn’t been thinking clearly. While the front door was never used, it WAS the shortest route to the street.) After a few minutes, the techs were taking his mother out on a stretcher. She stopped them and called Mikey, her baby, over. She asked him for a kiss and then told him she was dying. She also said she loved him. That was the first time anyone in his family had said that to him. It was also the last. Unfortunately, hearing it then meant nothing. He had gone numb. The oldest sister, Marge, rode in the ambulance, leaving four of them at home. Marion went to the girls’ bedroom and shut the door. Cal went to the boys’ bedroom and did the same. Don was sitting on the couch.

Mikey just stood there, feeling nothing. He had been upset just a few minutes ago out on the back steps. Why didn’t he feel anything now? He knew he should, but he just felt nothing. Once again he wasn't sure what to do, so he decided to copy Don. Don was closest to him in age, so it made sense they would be doing the same thing. He went over to the couch and sat next to him. That lasted about three seconds. Don stood up and punched him four or five times and then went into the bathroom and shut the door. Don had the worst temper in the family.

Mikey stayed on the couch, watching the snow through the window. The house was silent. He thought about how cold it was in the room. He was cold and alone. There were other people in the house, but he felt completely alone. Perhaps it was strange to think about this, but he found himself wishing he knew how to work the furnace. He couldn't bring himself to think about his mom.

Installment I

2010-04-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

Mikey snuggled under his blankets, getting ready for sleep. He couldn’t help smiling and thinking how great things were. His little cot never felt so good. School was cancelled for tomorrow because of an expected blizzard (it was January). Even to a first grader that was happy news. But there was something else. His mom had added an army blanket on top of his regular blanket because it was supposed to be such a cold night. It sounds like a small thing, but to him it was huge—his mom got it for him.

Mikey’s mom had been sick for as long as he could remember. She used to have a hard time getting out of bed most days and leaving the house was almost unheard of. But during the past year or so she’d started getting better. She was up and doing things. She even started going grocery shopping with Mikey’s help. He would hop out of the car and run around to her side of the car so she could hold his shoulder to steady herself for the walk into the store. She gave Mikey his first birthday party that year (age 6), with hats, presents, cake, everything. But the greatest moment came just a few months ago at school, as his class walked single file into the library. As he walked past the check-out desk he heard a “pssst”. He looked over to see his mom behind the desk. She was volunteering at the school. That was amazing! He was so proud of her that day. Things had changed so much.

Mikey remembered the bad times when he and his two sisters and two brothers had no adult supervision during the day. It should have been fun. But for the youngest it wasn’t. His siblings paired off--1st daughter and son {Marge and Cal} versus 2nd daughter and son {Marion and Don}. They battled about almost everything. The one thing that united them was their apparent dislike for Mikey. The torment came in different forms—physical and mental. For several years they had Mikey convinced they beat him because he was adopted (he wasn't, but some of them believed he was). Their parents put a stop to that after Mikey embraced the thought and started searching for his real family. Mikey often screamed in his sleep from nightmares, but took some enjoyment from the fact that his brothers got in trouble for that. Their father assumed the two older boys were causing it, and in a way they were. But just as seeing his mom at school was the high point of his life at that time, the low point (for now) involved her too. Last year she had to attend a wedding. As she got ready, Mikey was fascinated by the sight of her out of bed and putting on makeup. After watching for a while, he asked if she would go to his wedding someday. Her response stunned him. She said, “I’ll be dead long before then.” He pretended that didn’t upset him.

But those days were over. His mom was better and that changed everything. At first, Mikey worried about her when he started school. He had a hard time paying attention while others took their turns in the reading circle—he was lost when his turn snuck up on him. But when he got home his mom was always okay. He started to relax and do better in school. His teacher moved him into a more challenging reading group. His mom could take care of herself now and was taking care of him too.

Mikey had a smile on his face as he drifted off to sleep that night. He was nice and warm under his blankets and thinking about his chance to play in the snow tomorrow. He had no idea what problems would blow into his life along with the blizzard. He didn’t know it would be a long time before he smiled again. New lows awaited him.